thank fuck thats over!

I have come to the conclusion that Christmas sucks balls, especially with my family. Okay we don't have the Christmas arguements we had when Mom was here, but the stress of the build up and the stupid amount of food bought is frankly more than I want. I also hate dogs they are noisy and too fucking clingy for my tastes.

Call me a heartless scrooge if you want but you have to a complete fool to try and get the Christmas that we are sold by the media, this feeling has been building from childhood and only reinforced by having little to no privacy this year. I, of course, am not that much of a people person to begin with never have been and this whole charade of joy and other lies does little for my mood around this time of year.

I used to think that my distemper was because of Luke or Wendy but not so, I just hate the bullshit that accompanies the whole festival. I could care less about the Christian side of things as I am not Christian the party season however; is a different matter I like parties but I'm not overly comfortable in one unless I'm hosting them and providing snacks as well as alcohol. As for the Televisual schedule I long ago stopped giving a fuck about that.

Well this year is coming to a close and I honestly cannot wait all I ask for this coming year is a place of my own so I can be myself and not what every one else wants.

This is Steve Signing off with good luck in all that you do

A note to Wendy

I thank you for your post but my reasoning for doing what I did was purely academic and inspired by a claim form from Warwick Crown Court on behalf of the YMCA due to the non payment of the rent arrears on 66 Knowle close, I'm sure if you look back at the relationship through the eyes of history you will have to accept that our relationship was very abusive on both sides when guests were not around and that your handling of the budget was at times lackluster. Hell I'm still paying for it now in the form of crisis loan repayments for loans I took out in my name back when we were together. My main skill is to examine the past with a totally cold sterile eye I have done this with my past choices well before I met you.

As for the whole bitterness thing you could not be more wrong, you told me on many occasions that you could not read me. This is but yet another time you have failed to read me and what I wrote correctly, I will admit I am angry that you have refused to take responsibility for your actions in our relationship and your apologies are frankly poor attempt at a subject dodge. On the whole I could not care less whether you have a pulse or not and having everyone we mutually know tell me of your actions I frankly find annoying (but you can't control others) and your complaining that I took your 'spark' is wrong you killed that yourself with me you could have done anything you wanted but you did not which pissed me off royally. failing to achieve a goal is one thing but giving up completely without a proper attempt is a whole different ball game.

I read your blogs that show how good things are for you and I smile because I am genuinely glad that you are going ahead with your life and those where you admit to doing something stupid (anti-psychotics) I feel very disappointed in you because I know you can do a lot better, you do not need to be better than me or fat load just your self and strive to be better that the angry teen I know is still sitting in there.

Remember the Talmud excerpt I said when we were seeing dawn.

"We do not see the world as it is,

we see the world as we are."

Deep down I am a relentlessly happy individual who sees everything as a joke and in that I am happy if that irritated you when we were together, well that is your problem, I may not show it but I am always chuckling on the inside. I did say when we got together that I was happy with who I was with the exception of my weight.

I'm glad you are happy and give my love to Patch I hope he gets better and keeps kicking for a few more good years yet. I am down to 15 stone now in less than a month, just four more stone to go.

Steven

Ahem? This is about healing!

As part of my own healing process I have to pick apart the mistakes of the past and look at the minutiae of it, firstly the relationship I had wasn't so much controlling as abusive. I will admit my part of the blame and have in previous blogs so if I did start the cycle of abuse Mae Culpa, but it takes two to tango unfortunately. the part Wendy played was in the continuation of the dance when I was trying to stop and change the song.

After I came off my dependency and the whole "I saved your life" shite Wendy could not let that go so she, unwittingly I hope, started a cycle of psychological abuse with belittling and insults mainly the words "ever increasing arse" when in fact by the end of the relationship I was underweight by a stone at least (I had to re zero the scales and clean the screen to get a reading of 9.5 stone) so my butt was shrinking. Other forms of abuse were limiting how much I saw my friends the one I do remember was going for a gaming night with them returning to a crying Wendy thinking I was going to leave her and adamant that I would, now this is frankly laughable as I stated in another blog I when I am with someone I am with them alone and nobody else cheating on them does not even enter into my mind.

I also remember saying that the relationship was over back in November 2010 and offering to move out so Wendy could have 66 Knowle close but she would have nothing to do with that, My pet theory is that she liked the power she had when it came to the next form of abuse, limiting my access to money and there for my phone also. I understand her reasons but the debt repayments could have been a shit load less draconian thus allowing me more happiness and flexibility I agreed to those terms only because I felt I had no other choice. Her lack of predictability temper wise I'll put that down to her psychological disorders, none of which I had a problem with I actually had a problem with Wendy  blaming me for her choices not to go out and see her friends. I actually looked forward to her going either out to see friends or hospital stays so I could relax for a bit and actually miss her. Believe me there is truth to the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", choices are a matter for the individual to make. All I asked of her was to take her conditions into account and work around them, not use them as an excuse to do nothing.

When it comes to the budget Wendy was in charge of that so only Wendy is to blame for failing to put some aside for the items e often ran out of and having to sell stuff, which begs the question what did she by with the money she did not pay the rent with?

My idea was to let Wendy contact me in her own time so we could get total closure on the past in a neutral place and time of her choosing, so we don't have these scars holding us back for the future of our choosing. But if she decides not to then fine I'll just get on with things my way and she'll have to accept that she is her mothers daughter and no better than her mother, always looking to those around her for happiness when only Wendy can do that for herself. In reality I could never make Wendy happy and after a while I stopped trying due to the fact that her heart belonged to someone else and she was afraid to admit it.

But in other news, I have put on a few stone and I am holding steady at 16 stone. but that is because my body had gone into famine mode and stored all the food I was suddenly allowed (mainly more healthy portion sizes and vitamin intake) my current aim is to hold there and slowly drop down to 11 stone and get more clothes of my a more personal choice. I have developed an issue with caffeine tat means any drink with a percentage of caffeine greater than 0.012% is off limits.

My aim writing wise this coming year and every subsequent yer if I fail in 2012 is to reach 50 pages a day, why 50 pages? It is because of a personal hero of mine, Ulysses S. Grant to be precise I watched a four part biography on him on PBS recently and after the American Civil War and presidency of the USA he was eventually diagnosed with throat cancer and in the following months he decided to write his memoirs in order to provide for his family after his death, he wrote 50 pages a day a feat for a healthy man like myself let alone a man who's dying.

Well I wish you all luck and love in all you do.
Steven

New beginnings

Well I think its beyond time I wrote something positive here, I have been writing again about Ahab after re imagining his creation and what the Vampyre virus is along with his nemesis and their origins. I'm sure you have noticed the odd spelling of vampire, both are valid the first spelling is older and stems from the eastern European legends.of course this has not been the easiest of tasks with a keyboard that likes to skip the odd letter even when I've pushed the bloody thing.

I'm also back Gaming, when I like and for as long as I like without it being used as a carrot that was unattainable because of "trust" issues, just one of the many things that narked the fuck out of me when it came to my late relationship. Well all good things and all that jazz, the only thing I wish I had here was some fucking privacy. Okay back to what I was saying, I have my own Xbox 360 finally its an old core system but with a couple of soft-mods of an inter-cooler and hard-drive and a couple of wired controllers (saving on battery costs) and as an extra I picked up a memory card to go play with my mates.

of course these positives in my life do come with downsides, one is having to find a new home as frankly I have jack shit rights as a single white male and a limited income while on the dole so private housing is a problem at best. The other is trust, how can I trust someone after Wendy? you see while I was with her I trusted her with her medication, her health, and my heart. She repeatedly failed the health and she stopped her anti psychotics, one of the most retarded moves I have seen in a while. The other is Cameron's pointless veto of the new European treaty which would have ultimately helped the British economy.


I also have been unpicking a lot of that doomed relationship and realised I was being controlled by Wendy not the other way round, but I decided to say fuck it and forgive her. I cannot have a relationship with her and I should never have had one with her no matter how much I loved, and still do love her. She has learned the wrong lessons from her family and she needs to learn that not every man who wants to get close to her is going to or indeed wants to control and abuse her, I sure as hell didn't I actually wanted to be there for her and love her I just had no clue on how to do that, being something of an emotionally closed individual and hermit that I am; though ultimately loyal to those I choose to be with even to the detriment of myself and any future I was planning.

So this new year I will be hoping to get a place of my own while becoming a more peaceful laid back individual that I am. I leave it up to the ex girlfriend to open any lines of communication with me, I have not blocked her in any way or for any foolhardy reason.

A little something about me, or make your own fucking mind up.

I have been mulling this over for well over a year and I have come to something of an understanding with myself, I am a shitload more complex than I thought and my one and only relationship has shown mostly my darker side. in the two years and five months where I was the one Wendy "settled" for (mainly because she was afraid of being alone instead of actually taking her bull by the horns) all she knew was what she was creating and thankfully I know a little more about myself for it.

I hate being controlled, especially when it is disguised as help, the key to helping someone is knowing when to stop. Wendy never stopped "helping" me and that situation slowly became controlling without either of us noticing so I rebelled in ways I knew that would work, often too well hence the suicide attempt by her and the often violent reactions by both of us to remarks that should have stayed behind our teeth.

I hate being lied too, never say you want me to share in something and pull the offer away or say "I love you" when you never mean it, Love is something you do not toy with people are killed when they play with peoples hearts. I am glad I do not fall into the category of stalker, the only reason I know where Wendy lives is because we both moved to her home together and I am still finding her stuff mixed in with mine (I think she needs to think more logically when relationships end, because her packing sucks). I may have lied to her but she started it by teasing me with the line "I want you to share my Xbox but..." I may have the patience of an executioners block but even I have my limits.

I like my privacy, or ask no questions I shall tell you no lies. I will tell you what you need to know the small things are unimportant and my past is just that past leave it there, I am sociable but I do not need the company of others to feel content so I will go out on my terms.

I am hard to read deal with it.

I lack sympathy and the patience for empathy there is something in my past that has wired my brain in such a way as to honestly not give a fuck if you are crying in front of me, if you have a problem deal with the source and move on. Maybe it has something to do with my family breakdown?

If you make a deal with me, stick to it. I abhor deal breakers.

If I give you my counsel fucking listen, you might be surprised at what wisdom is in this neurotic head of mine. I may look spaced at times but trust me this brain is always working.

I love a harmonious home, so I will do what ever it takes to avoid an argument,even if it means being submissive.

NEVER COMPARE ME TO ANYBODY ELSE! I am not those people, I am myself no I am not perfect I am flawed, I often lack confidence in myself. I compensate by being aggressive and I rarely smile. I am a mass of contradictions and emotional baggage so if you want to be with me you need to be patient and supportive.

Ultimately though I just want to feel loved and accepted and they are the two things I have never felt both in my family and with Wendy.

Weas Thu Hal
Steven

Worries for the future, opening of a heart.

I write this here as it seems fitting given the blog title, as you know I am single again but not after learning a few things. A fair few of which are very personal and very uncomfortable for me to carry in private.

I learned that I was the person that my Ex-girlfriend "settled" for ultimately as the man she honestly loved was with another woman at the time, not the greatest boost to my rather fragile heart I have to admit but deep down I always knew this to be true. I knew I loved her and tried my level best to show her but all I did was balls things up further by being somewhat intense, not really what she needed from me but still it happened. When I fall in love its all in and rather intense but more as a kick back against the fear I've always had that I will never be truly loved by anyone than a calculated risk, The reason for this aggressive love is because of my childhood family life.

While I was growing up I had an absent Father and an emotionally absent Mother, their respective methods of bringing me up was to either insult me or to ignore me unless it was unavoidable to be a parent. My dad was often at work either in the armed forces or later as a bus driver both jobs had frankly shit hours and still do, when ever dad was home his idea of supporting me was to call me every expletive derived name under the sun and then argue with my mother as to what I should do with my life while mother was more interested in working and being as indipendant as possible until she could get away from the stressful relationship with dad who was and is frankly an overly aggressive and often psychologically abusive twat at the best of times.

All this time during the most vulnerable period of my life I never felt loved, and that is the only thing I honestly want in a relationship is to know that and feel that I am loved but in my last relationship that never happened. Oh she tried when I was on Codeine but while I was dependent on a chemical to just survive the turmoil in my own mind I was not in the right place to be loved, the guilt of which I will probably never escape and that will cloud my judgement of myself forever. And knowing that I am just the an that women will just settle for until someone better or the one they truly love comes into their life only reinforces that doubt and fear that I will never be loved and wanted for being me and nobody else. Just a stop gap in their lives something to be used and thrown away when finished with, when all I want is help to heal my wounded heart and love.

I hope you all find the love you deserve.
Steven

I really should stop reading Machavelli "The Long Game"

This blog is again to keep a promise to those who read this, I promised to explain my playing of Wendy and I shall endeavour to do so here today. In one of my more lucid moments last February I saw how Wendy was and what she had become so I resolved to change that, now that meant playing the addict for a bit and slowing my own recovery while pocking and proding her in all of the ways that I knew would annoy her.

Cruel I know but there are times when you just have to no matter how distasteful it is to yourself, the strategy was just that in order to do her the most good I would have to be a vile little shit and keep pushing her. It was not easy as Wendy is at best difficult to annoy, but I knew there would be crack in that armour of defeat and acceptance of her lot in life. So the game had to begin there and then the trick was to be careful, I had a role to play and I had to play it 24/7 not an easy feat to do while keeping a hold of your true self in the mean time. A problem faced by all undercover police officers, the one thing I worried about was if the mask slipped and Wendy got a hint of what was going on, she almost did several times so I had to think fast to throw her off the scent.

Every time I saw her cry in frustration and pain it hurt but I had to carry on because it was ultimately for her own good, so I put my feelings aside and put the mask of cuel indifference on firmly. I feel I have to explain the term "The Long Game" it is a euphomism for a long term plan or strategy with a beneficial outcome for one or both parties, in this case both of us in the relationship.

Now I know Wendy has the strength and determination to move on and achieve what she can inspite of her conditions and take nomore shit from anybody even me.

I am a bastard but one with a good heart, and you know what? I think I can live with it.

Why my family sucks.

Last blog I promised an explanation about my Father, in all truth I think the term is somewhat stretched with him. Up until he left the Army I barely saw him so he often came home from exercise a stranger to me and even after he had left he was rarely there as he was spending all his time driving the buses for the local bus company, so he was pretty much a stranger in his own home but when he was there he was very unstable, his mood would switch from calm and plesant one minuite to very aggressive to violent the next all because of a wrong word, be it mistimed or placed, or a task he odered not done on time to an unspecified standard.  Because of this I grew up in a house of fear and chaos, only getting respite from it either at school where I felt alien and alone even amongst friends or when he was at work doing an all night shift with a mother who was at best emotionally absent thusly about as maternal as a stone.

These early years made me into an emotionally stunted bully who really did not have he tools he needed to survive and thrive in life, when dad was placed on the sick by the family doctor due to untreated psychological issues of a vague unexplained nature (at least to me anyway), things only got worse for the family with him constantly at home the stress only mounted.  Dad was, or should I say is a highly needy person who frankly should have never lisened ot the tales of glory from his family about world war 2, this was not what my mom wanted  in a husband niether was it something she could handle long term so three days before my eighteenth birthday she left the family unit. To be finally truthful I knew she told me the year before she needed to go before she did something drastic to either herself or him, but it still hit hard when I had to watch as nan wrestled an overdose of pills off dad so he didn't kill himself though I wish she hadn't  because I had to care for him for ten years this was partly my own fault because I should have walked away once he tried to use he suicide card one too many times, but I frankly care to much about family which leaves me open to his mind games.

Now my one major problem is that I now have to care again for Wendy, this is because I put her in the positiion she is in now. It was my fault that my flat was in the state it was, so it is my responsibility to care for her. But; my experiences with daddy dear has left me with issues that have left me somewhat introverted and avoidant because I was used and abused by his violent temper and self pity, ad I can see much worse in store for Luke my little brother, but again, that avoidance of responsibility comes back because I m still afraid of him. 

I don't know how to say I'm sorry enough to Wendy for what I've done to her, I know I have failed her myself and I am failing Luke. But NO MORE! I cannot avoid responsibility any longer! 

Just Bite the frog damnit!

Looking Back

I know its been a while but there have been a few changes recently, one of which has been my state of mind and my relationship with Wendy, another has been a change in my medical state. Looking back on my blog I have noticed that it is incredibly whiny and self pitying not what I wanted in the slightest  but it happened, possibly due to the unresolved issues I have with my family in particular my rather abusive father which I'll explain fully later after I work out what I want to say about him, but suffice to say the abuse was mostly psychological along with years of subtle programming.

Earlier in the year I changed my doctors sergery and finally recieved the help I needed for years, my current doctor put me on Sertraline Hydrochloride at fifty milligrams. So I took one after I filled out the precsrption when I had some lunch, the effect was almost instantainious, everything suddenly became interesting and lighter in myself. After doing the shopping which is on a Wednesday for us I had to fight to keep myself from examening everything at close quarters. Though my treatment of Wendy has yet to get out of the three day cycle she has told me of numerous times along with several arguements that have ended in another destroyed cup and myself almost being thrown out of the flat, admittedly I had been playing her but only for her own good.

To explain this will take some time and maybe another blog from the heart, I have wound up with a Guinea Pig of my own which has helped me in my own personal journey. It took a few hours for us  to name this little fuzzball but we finally settled on Gizmo, now he was not really intended to e mine but he sort of adopted me when we got him after Alphonse died. Something else I'll put in my next blog due to the sheer grief I felt and still feel now because I was not there for him or Wendy, well I'll end it there for now because of the little fuzzy is watching me with the fuss me look.

Be Excellent to each other and Blessed Be o all
Steve