I write this here as it seems fitting given the blog title, as you know I am single again but not after learning a few things. A fair few of which are very personal and very uncomfortable for me to carry in private.
I learned that I was the person that my Ex-girlfriend "settled" for ultimately as the man she honestly loved was with another woman at the time, not the greatest boost to my rather fragile heart I have to admit but deep down I always knew this to be true. I knew I loved her and tried my level best to show her but all I did was balls things up further by being somewhat intense, not really what she needed from me but still it happened. When I fall in love its all in and rather intense but more as a kick back against the fear I've always had that I will never be truly loved by anyone than a calculated risk, The reason for this aggressive love is because of my childhood family life.
While I was growing up I had an absent Father and an emotionally absent Mother, their respective methods of bringing me up was to either insult me or to ignore me unless it was unavoidable to be a parent. My dad was often at work either in the armed forces or later as a bus driver both jobs had frankly shit hours and still do, when ever dad was home his idea of supporting me was to call me every expletive derived name under the sun and then argue with my mother as to what I should do with my life while mother was more interested in working and being as indipendant as possible until she could get away from the stressful relationship with dad who was and is frankly an overly aggressive and often psychologically abusive twat at the best of times.
All this time during the most vulnerable period of my life I never felt loved, and that is the only thing I honestly want in a relationship is to know that and feel that I am loved but in my last relationship that never happened. Oh she tried when I was on Codeine but while I was dependent on a chemical to just survive the turmoil in my own mind I was not in the right place to be loved, the guilt of which I will probably never escape and that will cloud my judgement of myself forever. And knowing that I am just the an that women will just settle for until someone better or the one they truly love comes into their life only reinforces that doubt and fear that I will never be loved and wanted for being me and nobody else. Just a stop gap in their lives something to be used and thrown away when finished with, when all I want is help to heal my wounded heart and love.
I hope you all find the love you deserve.
Steven
