I have been mulling this over for well over a year and I have come to something of an understanding with myself, I am a shitload more complex than I thought and my one and only relationship has shown mostly my darker side. in the two years and five months where I was the one Wendy "settled" for (mainly because she was afraid of being alone instead of actually taking her bull by the horns) all she knew was what she was creating and thankfully I know a little more about myself for it.
I hate being controlled, especially when it is disguised as help, the key to helping someone is knowing when to stop. Wendy never stopped "helping" me and that situation slowly became controlling without either of us noticing so I rebelled in ways I knew that would work, often too well hence the suicide attempt by her and the often violent reactions by both of us to remarks that should have stayed behind our teeth.
I hate being lied too, never say you want me to share in something and pull the offer away or say "I love you" when you never mean it, Love is something you do not toy with people are killed when they play with peoples hearts. I am glad I do not fall into the category of stalker, the only reason I know where Wendy lives is because we both moved to her home together and I am still finding her stuff mixed in with mine (I think she needs to think more logically when relationships end, because her packing sucks). I may have lied to her but she started it by teasing me with the line "I want you to share my Xbox but..." I may have the patience of an executioners block but even I have my limits.
I like my privacy, or ask no questions I shall tell you no lies. I will tell you what you need to know the small things are unimportant and my past is just that past leave it there, I am sociable but I do not need the company of others to feel content so I will go out on my terms.
I am hard to read deal with it.
I lack sympathy and the patience for empathy there is something in my past that has wired my brain in such a way as to honestly not give a fuck if you are crying in front of me, if you have a problem deal with the source and move on. Maybe it has something to do with my family breakdown?
If you make a deal with me, stick to it. I abhor deal breakers.
If I give you my counsel fucking listen, you might be surprised at what wisdom is in this neurotic head of mine. I may look spaced at times but trust me this brain is always working.
I love a harmonious home, so I will do what ever it takes to avoid an argument,even if it means being submissive.
NEVER COMPARE ME TO ANYBODY ELSE! I am not those people, I am myself no I am not perfect I am flawed, I often lack confidence in myself. I compensate by being aggressive and I rarely smile. I am a mass of contradictions and emotional baggage so if you want to be with me you need to be patient and supportive.
Ultimately though I just want to feel loved and accepted and they are the two things I have never felt both in my family and with Wendy.
Weas Thu Hal
Steven
