thank fuck thats over!

I have come to the conclusion that Christmas sucks balls, especially with my family. Okay we don't have the Christmas arguements we had when Mom was here, but the stress of the build up and the stupid amount of food bought is frankly more than I want. I also hate dogs they are noisy and too fucking clingy for my tastes.

Call me a heartless scrooge if you want but you have to a complete fool to try and get the Christmas that we are sold by the media, this feeling has been building from childhood and only reinforced by having little to no privacy this year. I, of course, am not that much of a people person to begin with never have been and this whole charade of joy and other lies does little for my mood around this time of year.

I used to think that my distemper was because of Luke or Wendy but not so, I just hate the bullshit that accompanies the whole festival. I could care less about the Christian side of things as I am not Christian the party season however; is a different matter I like parties but I'm not overly comfortable in one unless I'm hosting them and providing snacks as well as alcohol. As for the Televisual schedule I long ago stopped giving a fuck about that.

Well this year is coming to a close and I honestly cannot wait all I ask for this coming year is a place of my own so I can be myself and not what every one else wants.

This is Steve Signing off with good luck in all that you do

A note to Wendy

I thank you for your post but my reasoning for doing what I did was purely academic and inspired by a claim form from Warwick Crown Court on behalf of the YMCA due to the non payment of the rent arrears on 66 Knowle close, I'm sure if you look back at the relationship through the eyes of history you will have to accept that our relationship was very abusive on both sides when guests were not around and that your handling of the budget was at times lackluster. Hell I'm still paying for it now in the form of crisis loan repayments for loans I took out in my name back when we were together. My main skill is to examine the past with a totally cold sterile eye I have done this with my past choices well before I met you.

As for the whole bitterness thing you could not be more wrong, you told me on many occasions that you could not read me. This is but yet another time you have failed to read me and what I wrote correctly, I will admit I am angry that you have refused to take responsibility for your actions in our relationship and your apologies are frankly poor attempt at a subject dodge. On the whole I could not care less whether you have a pulse or not and having everyone we mutually know tell me of your actions I frankly find annoying (but you can't control others) and your complaining that I took your 'spark' is wrong you killed that yourself with me you could have done anything you wanted but you did not which pissed me off royally. failing to achieve a goal is one thing but giving up completely without a proper attempt is a whole different ball game.

I read your blogs that show how good things are for you and I smile because I am genuinely glad that you are going ahead with your life and those where you admit to doing something stupid (anti-psychotics) I feel very disappointed in you because I know you can do a lot better, you do not need to be better than me or fat load just your self and strive to be better that the angry teen I know is still sitting in there.

Remember the Talmud excerpt I said when we were seeing dawn.

"We do not see the world as it is,

we see the world as we are."

Deep down I am a relentlessly happy individual who sees everything as a joke and in that I am happy if that irritated you when we were together, well that is your problem, I may not show it but I am always chuckling on the inside. I did say when we got together that I was happy with who I was with the exception of my weight.

I'm glad you are happy and give my love to Patch I hope he gets better and keeps kicking for a few more good years yet. I am down to 15 stone now in less than a month, just four more stone to go.

Steven

Ahem? This is about healing!

As part of my own healing process I have to pick apart the mistakes of the past and look at the minutiae of it, firstly the relationship I had wasn't so much controlling as abusive. I will admit my part of the blame and have in previous blogs so if I did start the cycle of abuse Mae Culpa, but it takes two to tango unfortunately. the part Wendy played was in the continuation of the dance when I was trying to stop and change the song.

After I came off my dependency and the whole "I saved your life" shite Wendy could not let that go so she, unwittingly I hope, started a cycle of psychological abuse with belittling and insults mainly the words "ever increasing arse" when in fact by the end of the relationship I was underweight by a stone at least (I had to re zero the scales and clean the screen to get a reading of 9.5 stone) so my butt was shrinking. Other forms of abuse were limiting how much I saw my friends the one I do remember was going for a gaming night with them returning to a crying Wendy thinking I was going to leave her and adamant that I would, now this is frankly laughable as I stated in another blog I when I am with someone I am with them alone and nobody else cheating on them does not even enter into my mind.

I also remember saying that the relationship was over back in November 2010 and offering to move out so Wendy could have 66 Knowle close but she would have nothing to do with that, My pet theory is that she liked the power she had when it came to the next form of abuse, limiting my access to money and there for my phone also. I understand her reasons but the debt repayments could have been a shit load less draconian thus allowing me more happiness and flexibility I agreed to those terms only because I felt I had no other choice. Her lack of predictability temper wise I'll put that down to her psychological disorders, none of which I had a problem with I actually had a problem with Wendy  blaming me for her choices not to go out and see her friends. I actually looked forward to her going either out to see friends or hospital stays so I could relax for a bit and actually miss her. Believe me there is truth to the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", choices are a matter for the individual to make. All I asked of her was to take her conditions into account and work around them, not use them as an excuse to do nothing.

When it comes to the budget Wendy was in charge of that so only Wendy is to blame for failing to put some aside for the items e often ran out of and having to sell stuff, which begs the question what did she by with the money she did not pay the rent with?

My idea was to let Wendy contact me in her own time so we could get total closure on the past in a neutral place and time of her choosing, so we don't have these scars holding us back for the future of our choosing. But if she decides not to then fine I'll just get on with things my way and she'll have to accept that she is her mothers daughter and no better than her mother, always looking to those around her for happiness when only Wendy can do that for herself. In reality I could never make Wendy happy and after a while I stopped trying due to the fact that her heart belonged to someone else and she was afraid to admit it.

But in other news, I have put on a few stone and I am holding steady at 16 stone. but that is because my body had gone into famine mode and stored all the food I was suddenly allowed (mainly more healthy portion sizes and vitamin intake) my current aim is to hold there and slowly drop down to 11 stone and get more clothes of my a more personal choice. I have developed an issue with caffeine tat means any drink with a percentage of caffeine greater than 0.012% is off limits.

My aim writing wise this coming year and every subsequent yer if I fail in 2012 is to reach 50 pages a day, why 50 pages? It is because of a personal hero of mine, Ulysses S. Grant to be precise I watched a four part biography on him on PBS recently and after the American Civil War and presidency of the USA he was eventually diagnosed with throat cancer and in the following months he decided to write his memoirs in order to provide for his family after his death, he wrote 50 pages a day a feat for a healthy man like myself let alone a man who's dying.

Well I wish you all luck and love in all you do.
Steven

New beginnings

Well I think its beyond time I wrote something positive here, I have been writing again about Ahab after re imagining his creation and what the Vampyre virus is along with his nemesis and their origins. I'm sure you have noticed the odd spelling of vampire, both are valid the first spelling is older and stems from the eastern European legends.of course this has not been the easiest of tasks with a keyboard that likes to skip the odd letter even when I've pushed the bloody thing.

I'm also back Gaming, when I like and for as long as I like without it being used as a carrot that was unattainable because of "trust" issues, just one of the many things that narked the fuck out of me when it came to my late relationship. Well all good things and all that jazz, the only thing I wish I had here was some fucking privacy. Okay back to what I was saying, I have my own Xbox 360 finally its an old core system but with a couple of soft-mods of an inter-cooler and hard-drive and a couple of wired controllers (saving on battery costs) and as an extra I picked up a memory card to go play with my mates.

of course these positives in my life do come with downsides, one is having to find a new home as frankly I have jack shit rights as a single white male and a limited income while on the dole so private housing is a problem at best. The other is trust, how can I trust someone after Wendy? you see while I was with her I trusted her with her medication, her health, and my heart. She repeatedly failed the health and she stopped her anti psychotics, one of the most retarded moves I have seen in a while. The other is Cameron's pointless veto of the new European treaty which would have ultimately helped the British economy.


I also have been unpicking a lot of that doomed relationship and realised I was being controlled by Wendy not the other way round, but I decided to say fuck it and forgive her. I cannot have a relationship with her and I should never have had one with her no matter how much I loved, and still do love her. She has learned the wrong lessons from her family and she needs to learn that not every man who wants to get close to her is going to or indeed wants to control and abuse her, I sure as hell didn't I actually wanted to be there for her and love her I just had no clue on how to do that, being something of an emotionally closed individual and hermit that I am; though ultimately loyal to those I choose to be with even to the detriment of myself and any future I was planning.

So this new year I will be hoping to get a place of my own while becoming a more peaceful laid back individual that I am. I leave it up to the ex girlfriend to open any lines of communication with me, I have not blocked her in any way or for any foolhardy reason.