Reflections and Regrets.

"The human animal is a beautiful and terrible creature, capable of limitless compassion and unfathomable cruelty. If you wish to find that which becomes the dividing line between mankind and other biological classifications, it rests not in brain size, dominance, or even emotional capability, but lies in the unique capacity for human beings to reflect on their actions and show regret, what is most certainly the ability to empathize, that gives them their position. All mammals understand love and affection, but only man shows the propensity to place himself into the shoes of another life-form. Losing this capability, among individuals of this species, reduces them below their much heralded position, and readies the climate for the likely fall of man, the fall from grace." The Cruxshadows Sophia Single 2006 Album Dreamcypher 2007

I don't know why but this passage from the song Sophia has stood out for me over the past few days, more so in the last 24 hours hell I've been playing it almost nonstop there is something there about it maybe it helps me explain to myself my actions to my Ex-girlfriend.

There are many things I have regretted over my life and I am sure there are more to come, but I cannot dwell on them forever. A part of me would love to know what I could do by way of penance but I don't think there is all that much I could do, not now, its too late for that now. I'll freely admit I am open to suggestions but I cannot and will not go to the extremes, nor can I go against my own personality of a free spirit and basic good nature.

The relationship we had was destructive to the both of us but I have a more brutally robust psyche than the Ex-girlfriend, but only because I come from a brutal world full of pain, abuse and betrayal. To explain,until recently the British Army dehumanized their recruits and programmed them to see all other life as beneath them. This lead to a great number of abusive relationships and bitter men left to rot in their homes, no other force before that other than the Spartans has ever done this. I am sure that the person that my father had become because of this rubbed off on me in a way, I do not feel that I have an abusive personality disorder but that has yet to be seen.

I have an idea when it comes to my own home once I have it, when ever that may be. but I will not bore you with the details. Brightest Blessings.
Steven

All I now ask.

I have spent the past few days thinking as I do mainly out in the fresh air of my walks to where ever I need to be, and I came to a simple conclusion all I need is a very simple but hard thing to do.

I would like an explanation from the Ex-girlfriend as to what she was thinking when she undertook her actions in that relationship, and what stupid choice I made that gave her provocation to become an almost carbon copy of those who abused her. I honestly don't care how it comes either as a letter, private email or on her blog the choice is hers.

She wants me to drop this bone all she has to do is give me that simple thing and all will end, you see if I have unanswered questions I will get those answers and I am not concerned how I get them or how long it takes. But when it comes to selling items or food those choices I left to her as I hate to sell items I have bought for no reason even if I failed to budget correctly I would rather go without rather than sell stuff I treasure.

Brightest Blessings
Steven

Unwarrented thoughts and other things

Well this is in reply to a comment, well actually many. I have a habit of deleting comments because once read they serve no purpose other than to slow down your browser, and as for people reading this particular blog, you don't have to so STFU! thank you. This blog is more for my own peace of mind rather than your entertainment. I have other blogs you know try them to get a better understanding of who I am.

I stopped listening to my fat racist bigot father years ago, his only real use in understanding the negative effects on the human psyche of military training of the mid twentieth century. As for getting a job once you move here Becky you'll see what the situation is like for real not what the press give you. And finally for me being a man child You get what you make Wendy.

Now that is over I shall change tack. I recently picked up a copy of Bayonetta, A game that caught my eye when I had no hope in hell of getting an Xbox 360 and frankly I feel the creator of Devil may cry out did himself here, as well as great game play, characters and scenery it has a knowing tongue firmly planted in its cheek. Released under Sega the game pays homage to two classic Sega titles, Outrun and Afterburner. Both of these titles I played as a kid okay I didn't think much of Outrun but that was more childish snobbery of action games rather than an actual commentary of the actual game, Bayonetta also has a few side games most of which I have yet to find but I have noticed in writing this than my spelling is slipping again or rather I need to practice my typing more.

The music in Bayonetta is also pretty sweet, my favorite piece is the Gates of Hell bar theme as it has a wonderfully relaxed feel to it, which is another thing, over the past few months I have been clearing out my music on my computer getting rid of the highly aggressive stuff like Trivium in favor of groups like Juno Reactor and Clannad, I have a more relaxed air to my temperament now and I am more than ready to undertake a career change into teaching, I'm not overly concerned about age group or subject. I am more concerned with effect I have on people, as I said on my last blog I'll happily point them in the right direction but the work is for you alone to do.

Well I'll leave you with this request, if you don't know me personally don't comment on my person. Brightest Blessings to you all.
Steven.

Thoughts.

Okay I know its been  while but I have had other things on my mind so deal. Over the past few weeks I have been doing some introspection amongst other things, I found out a fair few things about myself like, for instance; I tend to live in the now I always wanted to know how to live in the moment but that is like  bird asking how to fly while in flight. I also learned that I am not the sort of person you should ask for empathy. Not for any reason I may have stated in the past but rather because I don't have the capacity to empathise not the academic understanding of the technique, that I have I just don't have the capability as a human being to give that much of a fuck about you, I'll happily help point the way for you (as I did many times for the Ex-girlfriend even though she will never give this devil his due) but the choice, and the work that will be  needed to be done is yours alone to do.

I went to a Big Country concert with Paul, a family friend, because his daughter either didn't want to go or could not go due to prior arraignments; I don't know nor do I care that is the past and therefore it shall stay there also it is none of my concern. As the concert got underway, with Gun as the support act, I noticed that I was the youngest person there and that the album Big Country were performing came out when I was 2. This was fine by me as I am all up for some good music and I did do some research into the band in the run up. I did not expect the mosh pit though which catapulted me to the bar which for myself was rather serendipitous as I wanted to quench the Pharaohs sock that was my mouth. So I propped up the bar until the end of the set which turned out to be the entire bleeding album I finally met up with Paul outside the venue which was the O2 Academy in Birmingham.

Yesterday I was with my friend when the Ex-girlfriend called for a pickup from the Alexandra Hospital (the Local A&E) I learned from him that she supposedly still cares for me, Bullshit! You don't undertake a year long systematic campaign of psychological abuse because you care you, do it because of a need to control everything around you. I am and have always been something of a free spirit and Wendy could not handle that so she did what she did, and her health deteriorated when I stopped playing along with her suicide game.

So please don't claim something you never showed to me Wendy, and stop living in the past that is half your problem. You exist in that rotting shed where you were raped, that is why you have nightmares about it when your body develops the inevitable resistance to the drugs you take for your mind. If you aren't willing to listen to me that is your problem not mine your therapists will only tell you the same as I have here. time will prove me right. The other half of your problem lies with your own choices in life, the caue of which was your family upbringing not me.

So I'll sign off with the usual brightest blessings to all.
Steven

SNOW!

So it finally started to snow this winter, even though the weathermen say it'll be gone in the next day or so. Watching it come down it reminded me of the first time it snowed in years two years ago when myself and the Ex-girlfriend went snow stomping all the way into town and giggled all the way, one of the all too few happy times we had together, but once I got out into it heading to the local chippy I had to be amazed at the way snow plays with sound.

You see unlike the crisp clear nights we have had where sound carried clear as a bell the snow softened the sounds in the same way that it softens the edges of the landscape, then I got to thinking about my favorite sounds for instance I love the sound of a summer rainfall on the trees and the crunching sound of crisp fresh snow under foot along with the sound of a well maintained V8 and V-twin engine.

I'm an odd fish at best as you can see but it works for me, though I have been gaming a hell of a lot mainly on Fable 3 which also got me thinking what the hell was stopping Lionhead Studios from doing something similar with Fable 1? I decided to not worry about it as I was not and am not running the company, I am just looking forward to Halo 4 and the new story arc with the Master Chief and Cortana I even pre-ordered  a copy.

I have also had a look at the new PS Vita which is a gorgeous device but its price tag isn't at £229 at its cheapest I think I'll wait unti Sony notice that its unit sales are fucking awful and bring it down sharply.