Why my family sucks.

Last blog I promised an explanation about my Father, in all truth I think the term is somewhat stretched with him. Up until he left the Army I barely saw him so he often came home from exercise a stranger to me and even after he had left he was rarely there as he was spending all his time driving the buses for the local bus company, so he was pretty much a stranger in his own home but when he was there he was very unstable, his mood would switch from calm and plesant one minuite to very aggressive to violent the next all because of a wrong word, be it mistimed or placed, or a task he odered not done on time to an unspecified standard.  Because of this I grew up in a house of fear and chaos, only getting respite from it either at school where I felt alien and alone even amongst friends or when he was at work doing an all night shift with a mother who was at best emotionally absent thusly about as maternal as a stone.

These early years made me into an emotionally stunted bully who really did not have he tools he needed to survive and thrive in life, when dad was placed on the sick by the family doctor due to untreated psychological issues of a vague unexplained nature (at least to me anyway), things only got worse for the family with him constantly at home the stress only mounted.  Dad was, or should I say is a highly needy person who frankly should have never lisened ot the tales of glory from his family about world war 2, this was not what my mom wanted  in a husband niether was it something she could handle long term so three days before my eighteenth birthday she left the family unit. To be finally truthful I knew she told me the year before she needed to go before she did something drastic to either herself or him, but it still hit hard when I had to watch as nan wrestled an overdose of pills off dad so he didn't kill himself though I wish she hadn't  because I had to care for him for ten years this was partly my own fault because I should have walked away once he tried to use he suicide card one too many times, but I frankly care to much about family which leaves me open to his mind games.

Now my one major problem is that I now have to care again for Wendy, this is because I put her in the positiion she is in now. It was my fault that my flat was in the state it was, so it is my responsibility to care for her. But; my experiences with daddy dear has left me with issues that have left me somewhat introverted and avoidant because I was used and abused by his violent temper and self pity, ad I can see much worse in store for Luke my little brother, but again, that avoidance of responsibility comes back because I m still afraid of him. 

I don't know how to say I'm sorry enough to Wendy for what I've done to her, I know I have failed her myself and I am failing Luke. But NO MORE! I cannot avoid responsibility any longer! 

Just Bite the frog damnit!