Old Friends of the Digital Age

Yesterday I finally got myself a copy of Halo Combat Evolved Anniversary and I found myself crying as the first intro cut scene played through, this isn't unusual for me as I have found myself moved to tears many times before. Mostly by pieces of music and movies like Marley and Me all of which are designed to elicit emotional responses of one kind or another, this time the tears were of pure joy of seeing and hearing the voices of beloved characters. To be totally honest I have had to control my emotions since childhood in order to protect myself from them and the possible aftermath of their escape in volatile situations.

This is of course where I would normally rial and rage about how someone denied me that little pleasure of gaming for one reason or another but frankly that is done as 343 Guilty Spark states "What was once can never be again." and in the case of myself and the Ex-girlfriend that is true. I will admit to feeling very unsure of myself when it comes to women now as I have had to endure a feeling of guilt that is not entirely appropriate for me,  true I am responsible in part for her condition but as for everything else in that "relationship" I have said my peace in previous blogs and no matter what she states I will not move from that position her blaming of me for her choices will only harm herself in the long run along with the dodge of "I'm not perfect" my answer to all who say that is No Shit Sherlock admit to who you are and get on with it. I may be a very sensitive person who will withdraw when a situation starts to hurt me in any way and has jack shit sympathy to those who attempt suicide on a regular basis.

But I digress, I have found myself smiling and laughing to myself about the smallest of things as the days go by, like for instance I have found a song that makes me feel good and that is the Panzer lied a song from World War Two All I'll say here is look it up if you want to find out more. along with a Japanese metal band called Exist Trace. But nothing I have found compared to the joy I felt when I heard the opening line "All I want to know is did we lose them?" and the saw the words "Unseal the hushed casket". Yes it's sad of me to find joy in that but after a relationship that has left me unsure of myself and the concept of love I just need this little happiness.

Well its time for me to stop writing now so I with you love and Brightest Blessings in all that you chose to do.
Steven.

Better than who?

"I'm better than my ex, I'm stronger and better than them"

I have heard this a lot over my life and and I just have to laugh at the mislead and false Americanism that we as a society have swallowed. The most recent I heard this was in the queue at the local Morrisons supermarket while waiting to pay for the items I needed to get.

One thing people need to learn is that the only person you need to be better than is yourself, I know this all to well I have made many mistakes and I have learned from most of them. Even the one called my last relationship, the mistake there was not knowing exactly what I wanted in a partner (I'll admit I am not entirely sure now but I have a better idea than three years ago) and letting go of my own self interest and autonomy too easily I know that for a partnership to work there are certain things that must be done but there are a whole lot of things that must be avoided all but one of these I will address in a later blog once I have done my research.

The one thing that must be done I can remember of the top of my head is to share all of the house work, that is if you share a home of course, and the one thing I know you must avoid is to compare your partner to your last partner or to compare them to individuals they are not take them as they are and accept them. But I am getting off track here.

One your relationship has broken down finish it there and then (don't drag it out, it'll only hurt the both of you in the short term and build up a whole lot of bad blood) and don't even bother to assign to the ex-partner any form of emotion for example; hate, as the emotion of hate only eats away at you from the inside and that will only bugger up any future relationship you have because you will be obsessively comparing your current partner to the one you left. Thus terminating your current relationship with extreme prejudice, take it from someone who helped in the buggering up of a relationship. That is why I choose to love my Ex-partner even now, that and  know that it irritates the living hell out of her. I refuse to block her I refuse to think ill of her I wish her all the love I can just because I can and it is the best way to live.

I know what I was wrong and I will make no more apologies for it nor will I explain further about that past relationship, but I know that partner still reads my Blog and I say to her and all who wish to read this that. You cannot be better than me because you are not me, instead focus your energies on being better than the person you were when you were with me for that is where you fell down and failed to get up.

Good luck and Brightest Blessings to you all.
Steven

before you say a thing.

Okay before anything happens here, I read a recent post of the Ex the subject of which is Bullying and Hypocrisy. Now she lumps me in with those who bullied her but in a more round about way, I will admit; as I have before that I did Bully her at first because I was Stupid and had a dependency on Codeine. This fact established I would not be surprised if she decides to document, what she can "remember", what crimes I committed against her.

Now as you have read above I had a stupid dependency on the painkiller Codeine, this drug is derived from opium which is well documented for its capability to obliterate an individuals memory and consciousness very much like Morphine; its badder older brother. so a fair amount of my memory is somewhat blank as to what I may or may not have done in the opening months of our misguided relationship. One exception is the use of the statement of 'I did save your life.'on one occasion only, the gain of which was the netbook I am currently using to type this blog on. Which Wendy told everyone was a Birthday Present.

Now I have appologised to her many times but without any memory of what I had done I only had her word to go on, instead she finally said "there aren't enough sorry's in you.' now I began to have my doubts as to her intentions after I came off the drug in the September of 2009, of course I had a few relapses as addicts do, but I dismissed them as I wanted to give the relationship a go and to try to make it work. So I went, willingly, into couples counseling with her but she called that off when she decided that I was using some Jedi mind trick to get our counselor on my 'side'. Not so, I cannot and will not influence an individual who is in a professional capacity trying to help.

Now if I did do any Bullying behavior again I am sorry but it was unintentional and careless of me but there is no going back to fix the problem, Wendy did state that:

 because of a certain ex boyfriend, my confidence was so shattered that I was becoming agoraphobic, too afraid to even look out of a window and getting to the point where I would seldom leave the bedroom, but that is a whole other story that I will address later.

My Journey Every Step of the way W Bostock 2012

 The behaviors stated in that quote were her own choice and nothing to do with e, in fact by that time I was only concerned with the welfare of the pets we had at the time. To be honest I stopped giving that much of a shit whether she was alive or not after she tried to take all of her pills and the bluff busting incident, her confidence was and still is her own responsibility.

As for her actions I documented in one of my earlier posts on this Blog, New Beginnings I think it was. They were a deliberate set of actions and choices that she took in order to gain some control over another individual. Those actions are given the title of Psychological abuse a form of Bullying so before she starts to "explain" my actions she needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and take responsibility for her own despicable behavior and accept that she is as much of a Hypocrite a the rest of us. just because she was treated the way e was does not give her the right to do the same to another human being, I understand that I am capable of such actions and I may have perpetrated them upon her But the difference lies in the fact that I am willing to take responsibility for my choices in order to make those actions possible.

This leaves the question she needs to ask herself. Do I honestly Have the right to carry on this charade of blamelessness when I am as bad as those who bullied me at school? Only she can answer that question and take the appropriate action I cannot do anything more than I am now. though If she really wants to we could take this on National TV and settle this once and for all.

Well its late and I'm missing more keys than I would like, so this is Steven signing off with a Brightest Blessings to you all and love to all.

Steven

Odd hapenings.

Today I noticed a few odd things going on, first off Indiana (my little brothers mental dog) he kept jumping up and chasing something small but invisible around the house. I thought this might have been because he snaffled my tea twice today (little git) but that was not until after dinner so I thought nothing of it until I was upstairs gaming to pass some time when I felt a familiar weight move around on the bed,besides me that is.

The weight felt like a Guinea pig but obviously I don't have any since I left them with Wendy and while I was with her I became fairly used to their weight on a mattress with me, this begs the question which one popped in to see me?

Now I don't believe in spirits or ghosts, since the idea of belief needs an element of blind  faith and I have always been one to keep my options open. I have a faith for the simple truth that there is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole, that and its just a hell of a lot more simple to blaspheme whenever you smash your thumb with a hammer; the deity is purely up to you. but recent events have made me question those assumptions.

Again I'll sign off with a Bright Blessings to everyone and good luck to you all.
Steven

Okay that was unexpected!

the past couple of days have been fairly interesting for me, firstly two packages arrived one for my dad, a 6mm BB P90 to help him with his obsession with firearms. The real P90 is made by Fabric National in Belgium and made famous by the Television show Stargate SG1. The other was a Bokken I ordered from Ebay compared to my little brothers it is a lot heavier and around  foot longer since he has the Ninjato bokken while I have the Katana.

The other interesting thing to happen was today, I heard the only news I don't mind hearing from the world of Wendy and that is about her Guinea pigs. Though it is sad news I'm afraid that her little Patch has passed on I thought he had a couple of more years left in him but it looks like my predictions of death seem to be worryingly on the ball I knew Hope would go first at Wendy's current home followed by Patch but I didn't think it would be so soon.

I will admit I was never that close to the fuzzy lump but I was fond of him and his almost zen attitude to life there was something very sweet about him and his love of Type O Negative that I found by accident that and if it was not for him Wendy would be nothing more than a statistic. I know he is with the others that passed before him and that Alphonse is probably trying to pull out his beard one hair at a time as I write this.

I'll end this with a fond farewell to him and you all for now, so good luck and Bright Blessings to you and those you love.
Steven

Why do I want to know this?

I have been told of my Ex-girlfriends antics yet again by my family, even though I have told them she is not my fucking problem and therefore I do not want to know about what she is up to now only that she accepts responsibility for her part in the failure in our former relationship. Of course I do still want to raise money for Asthma UK and other charities by walking across the USA (mad idea I know but why not).

I am glad she is happy and wish her luck and joy in her civil partnership, I just wish she would remember that she blundered into our doomed relationship just as much as I did and to stop painting me as the worst thing since Old Hobb cracked one off, it does tend to piss one off especially when you take into account that she had no hope in hell of truly reading me probably because of her childhood though I could be wrong there.

Shortly after I was informed about this I was shot in the leg by my dad because he was not paying attention when dicking about with his new toy, and he has the gall to chew either me or my little brother out for a lack of concentration on one single occasion in months (dick head).

WEll I'll sign off with a Bon Chance to my EX and Bright Blessings to all others.
Steven