As part of my own healing process I have to pick apart the mistakes of the past and look at the minutiae of it, firstly the relationship I had wasn't so much controlling as abusive. I will admit my part of the blame and have in previous blogs so if I did start the cycle of abuse Mae Culpa, but it takes two to tango unfortunately. the part Wendy played was in the continuation of the dance when I was trying to stop and change the song.
After I came off my dependency and the whole "I saved your life" shite Wendy could not let that go so she, unwittingly I hope, started a cycle of psychological abuse with belittling and insults mainly the words "ever increasing arse" when in fact by the end of the relationship I was underweight by a stone at least (I had to re zero the scales and clean the screen to get a reading of 9.5 stone) so my butt was shrinking. Other forms of abuse were limiting how much I saw my friends the one I do remember was going for a gaming night with them returning to a crying Wendy thinking I was going to leave her and adamant that I would, now this is frankly laughable as I stated in another blog I when I am with someone I am with them alone and nobody else cheating on them does not even enter into my mind.
I also remember saying that the relationship was over back in November 2010 and offering to move out so Wendy could have 66 Knowle close but she would have nothing to do with that, My pet theory is that she liked the power she had when it came to the next form of abuse, limiting my access to money and there for my phone also. I understand her reasons but the debt repayments could have been a shit load less draconian thus allowing me more happiness and flexibility I agreed to those terms only because I felt I had no other choice. Her lack of predictability temper wise I'll put that down to her psychological disorders, none of which I had a problem with I actually had a problem with Wendy blaming me for her choices not to go out and see her friends. I actually looked forward to her going either out to see friends or hospital stays so I could relax for a bit and actually miss her. Believe me there is truth to the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", choices are a matter for the individual to make. All I asked of her was to take her conditions into account and work around them, not use them as an excuse to do nothing.
When it comes to the budget Wendy was in charge of that so only Wendy is to blame for failing to put some aside for the items e often ran out of and having to sell stuff, which begs the question what did she by with the money she did not pay the rent with?
My idea was to let Wendy contact me in her own time so we could get total closure on the past in a neutral place and time of her choosing, so we don't have these scars holding us back for the future of our choosing. But if she decides not to then fine I'll just get on with things my way and she'll have to accept that she is her mothers daughter and no better than her mother, always looking to those around her for happiness when only Wendy can do that for herself. In reality I could never make Wendy happy and after a while I stopped trying due to the fact that her heart belonged to someone else and she was afraid to admit it.
But in other news, I have put on a few stone and I am holding steady at 16 stone. but that is because my body had gone into famine mode and stored all the food I was suddenly allowed (mainly more healthy portion sizes and vitamin intake) my current aim is to hold there and slowly drop down to 11 stone and get more clothes of my a more personal choice. I have developed an issue with caffeine tat means any drink with a percentage of caffeine greater than 0.012% is off limits.
My aim writing wise this coming year and every subsequent yer if I fail in 2012 is to reach 50 pages a day, why 50 pages? It is because of a personal hero of mine, Ulysses S. Grant to be precise I watched a four part biography on him on PBS recently and after the American Civil War and presidency of the USA he was eventually diagnosed with throat cancer and in the following months he decided to write his memoirs in order to provide for his family after his death, he wrote 50 pages a day a feat for a healthy man like myself let alone a man who's dying.
Well I wish you all luck and love in all you do.
Steven
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