I have spent the last few hours trying not to burst into tears, it didn't work as for the past hour that is all I have been able to do as I still just want to go home. To explain where I live now isn't home, it's hell, for most of my child hood I have lived with an abusive bastard I call dad. Throughout my child hood if I did not do something either on time or the right way he either chewed me out like a drill instructor or rapidly became physical, the physical attacks were usually a simple slap to the back of the head or more rarely a punch to the side of the head just short of the temple, this carried on until around 1995 when he was put on permanent sick leave and his PSV (Public Service Vehicle) license was revoked where his temper became more unstable and objects were usually broken over my head.

This left me in an almost permanent state of panic, especially around him, this state of tension was relieved once I moved out in 2001 where I had to face the fact that I was incredibly lonely deep inside but had zero real inter-personal skills when it came to meeting people so I went to college and eventually met Wendy the love of my life, I don't say these words lightly as they are part of the reason that I have been crying for the past hour or so. Back to the first line of this post about wanting to go home, I know that the building in itself is immaterial as long as you have a special someone to go back to and for me that was Wendy even though some of her habits irritated me at times I happily lived with them because of her smile and the way it could just brighten the day.

Now though I have to leave that home I once had to go to this slice of hell I have to endure along with an ever deepening black hole of loss and despair that sucks away at my soul because the person I would lay down my life for wants someone else, the face I watched sleep when I couldn't will soon be watched by another. There is no true word that can come close to the pain and sorrow I feel every day, I would sell my soul to have another go with her yes by the end of that relationship the stress of her conditions left me feeling worn thin like a block of butter scraped too many times over the same spot. But I would do that all again just to see that loving smile she now has for another man and even thinking about that hurts me more that ever, but I made a promise not to interfere no matter how much it makes me want to end my pain.

Just remember those who joke and laugh the most in the room are also the most lonely people there.
Steven