Recently as part of a comment thread I asked Wendy this:
"Now all I want to know is what exactly did I mean to you?
Because from where I stand all I meant to you is that flat and the extra cash
you got from me and that just isn't right. You have a type Wendy and I wasn't
that type so you used me in a similar way Mike used you and contrary to your
idea of me I was your meal ticket until you got your DLA. Am I right in that
perspective or not? Please explain this to me and no DAD had no influence on
this perspective so don't assume so, you have my number if you wish to explain
this in private."
My thinking here is purely investigative, to explain I’ll
use my favourite Latin saying Qui Bonum? Who Benefits? When Wendy finally ended
the travesty our relationship had become, she was not long off getting her DLA
(Disability Living Allowance, which the Government is looking at scrapping in
favour of a personal travel thing) and she had the flat outside the YMCA we
both wanted and I wound up with virtually nothing and living in a home that
isn’t mine along with an intermittent twitch when my family talk to me for long
periods of time or barge into the cell I have to call my room without knocking.
I’ll be seeing the Doctor about this and rather unstable moods associated with
issues I highlighted in an earlier Blog.
Returning to the Question: What did I mean to Wendy? I know
Wendy will probably throw out the same question to me: What did she mean to me?
My answer is everything while I was in that relationship she was my world but I
had the niggling feeling that I was being used and that this relationship isn’t
really the best start in my romantic life some of the evidence for this is all
of the promises she never kept to me. As
old wounds go this is the only one I cannot heal myself as I need her answer so
I can at least avoid repeating this mistake in the future when I next get a
woman who will truly accept me for myself and all that might entail, but
believe me I will not be going onto the Internet for her.
Steven
I cared for you deeply when we were together, I loved you so much until you hurt me. You make accusations that I "used" you to get my DLA (I mean, seriously?!) when all I did there was get what I was entitled to because of my illnesses; nothing more. As for the thing about the flat, I spoke to the council about this back when you moved out, the only reason we got this flat was because of the points that were awarded because of MY condition and nothing more. I have gained nothing out of this that I couldnt have done for myself.
ReplyDeleteNow you are lashing out at me because I basically told you the truth and to be honest you will not change your view because you are so convinced that what you say is the case.
You meant a lot to me, you were the reason I kept fighting and then I found out what you had been planning on doing to me and I felt so deeply betrayed.
no I accuse you of using me for the flat you occupy not your DLA you need the DLA and because of your illness you would have been housed a lot quicker than I ever will.
DeleteAlso I was asking you a question that had been bugging me for the past year, since I remember doing all of the cleaning and being restricted to less than an hour of gaming while you gamed all day. You finally admitting to me that you didn't love me was actually a relief, it saved me from living in a foolish fantasy of getting back with you.
ReplyDeleteYou say I hurt you, in what way? While I loved you I remember every broken promise your hypocritical rules and every suicide attempt. They all hurt me, they still do now to an extent, but if you're referring to the bluff bust event you are wrong. Yes it may have hurt you to go through it but it takes someone who loves you to make you choose in that way, it is a way of saying ENOUGH! I will not play this game with you, you either want to live or you want to die. but you will not make the choice yourself so I am left with no other recourse but to force you to chose.
I was actually refering to when you stabbed me with a screwdriver.
ReplyDeleteWhen the hell was that? and if I did that why the hell didn't you leave?
ReplyDeleteThere was also the time when you actually told me in front of other people that I was nothing more to you than a means to an end. That you were going to cash in on my illness whether I allowed it or not. Or maybe when we were in CEX and you threw me to the floor because I was looking at games. OR how about that lovely snowy evening when my lungs were full of fluid and YOU were trying to make me push YOU in a wheelchair because your shoes were too small. You can choose to deny these things. You can say that they never happened despite the witnesses and even in some cases CCTV footage. Thats up to you, but you have started this one.
ReplyDeleteWhat was I planning in your eyes? I don't really plan much in my life its usually best not to.
ReplyDeleteIt was before our 1st christmas. And I didnt leave because I was so scared of you. Now you can't deny this as I have a scar to prove it.
ReplyDeleteHow about when I had to borrow your laptop and I found "how to kill an asthmatic" in the browser history
ReplyDeleteYou were lucky that I was too afraid of you to go to the police and report you for assault
ReplyDeleteWell for a start I'm sure I appologised for the whole screwdriver attack not that I remember it but that was a dark time for me, and going through my browser history just highlights how incapable of trust you really are especially when it comes to men. I honestly cannot remember what I was thinking of for that search but if you had asked me I might have been able to enlighten you because if I was actually planning to kill you you'd be dead already and I would be in prison.
ReplyDeleteI suggest to you that if this new relationship goes the way I think it will, not that you'll listen, you take a while to look at what you want out of a relationship and go for that because your choice of men sucks balls.
What exactly do you want of me? I am happy and I am happy now and not as weak as I was before when I stayed with someone who was violent, abusive and cruel toward me because of my fear of what they would do if I left.
ReplyDeleteI suggest to you before you make assumptions or play the victim, you take a good look in the mirror at yourself. Don't judge me for finding happiness with what I have left.
One assumptions were one of the things that killed our relationship and they were your responsibility, but right now there is little physically I want.
ReplyDeleteWhat I actually want is for you to understand that contrary to popular belief I am a lot more worldly wise that outwardly apparent, also for some dumb-fuck reason I give a shit about you and that what you are doing now is a bad idea. Your relationship with Mike should have taught you that but you did not learn, instead you ceased to trust men.
Ask yourself this, if you are willing to go through a persons browser history, how willing are you to go through their phone checking their text history?
Trust is a primary part of love and with out trust there is no relationship, your happiness is your responsibility but I know the internet and its dangers shit I was eighteen when it was created in its current state so aware of its possible uses and the inherent threats therein. you can go with this guy from black pool but if he is abusive don't sat you weren't warned.
I did not actively check your browser history, I had to use your laptop for something and as I typed in to the search there it was clear as day. You need to read things more thoroughly.
ReplyDeleteYou are only being like this because I said no to you. You also forget that if something went wrong, I have Becky to help me.
Okay Wendy,, even if you did not go through my history you made an assumption and did not come and talk to me. Having Becky is all well and good now but as you know it is not permanent she will move out and your new boyfriend will move in. This person us still an unknown element to a great extent and that is a risk you MAY not be able to take again.
ReplyDeleteAs for you saying no to me I told you that was a relief so therefore a good thing, but you seem to only understand and reply to attacks. Ultimately Wendy you are the one who needs to look in the mirror and ask a few hard questions about your choices and responsibilities in life I have yet to see or hear you take responsibility for your actions in life.
I have taken responsibility on a lot of subjects and situations in my life, as well as taking the responsibility and consequence of your actions. You still seem to have little grasp of what really went on and you change what you say more times than, as you yourself would put it, a bad politician. Before I was honest with you the other day you had stopped this hateful and frankly very childish game.
ReplyDeleteI am tired of your games and the way you are trying to make me seem like the bad guy in all of this. I have tried several times to ensure that we had a friendly relationship once this was all sorted out and each time you have done this and turned it in to a blame game or a "poor little old me" act.
Now I believe there is nothing else to say on the matter and I would ask that you please refrain from blogging about me as we are already building a case with the local police as what you are doing now is harassment.
You aren't the bad guy Wendy but neither are you the good guy. As for what I did can you email your side to me so I can learn from my mistakes.
ReplyDeleteI could, but to be honest, it would mean trawling through my old diary and last time I did that it meant I was crying my eyes out again, if you really want to see it from my side, just read my earlier blogs or if you are that sure you want to see, you can come and look through that diary. But beware its a frightening read.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the comment I deleted, due to many spelling mistakes from typing on my phone via my blogger app.
ReplyDeleteI did read your diary a couple of times, you said I could, and yes it did get unnerving at times but I understood a lot of where you were coming from once I came off of my dependency and that was the crux of our problems. and I think I know what I was looking for with that search.
it could have been only one of two things, one was trying to work out other reasons why Sephiroth would want Hojo dead, and the other involves what else was going on at the time I put the search in. You were in hospital at the time after nearly dying and I was trying to work out what did I do wrong and after finding a lot of things to do with medication problems I closed the search down and just looked around the flat at the time and well the penny hit the bottom of the jar.
You nearly died because of me so this is one of the reasons I see your health as my responsibility, and I take an interest in your safety.
I have little to no malice for you I just hate having unanswered questions buzzing through my brain, sorry to have harassed you but it was the only way I can often get your attention to answer the questions.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with your methods (even in the relationship) was that you never really considered the consequences of what you were doing. For example with the harassment made me too afraid to go out or do anything. You just dont think about anyone else.
ReplyDeleteI'm not the only person on the planet who acts that way, but I know I cannot afford to consider all consequences to my actions. My mental health was suffering quicker while these questions were in my head, than it would be if I had never met you.
ReplyDeleteI cannot run through my life like a man who is late for an appointment, too scared to look forward and too scared to look back, always having to think about what might be and what once was. What once existed cannot be again that is true, you however; cannot afford to live a life ruled by fear without succumbing to those thoughts that will kill you.
You are going to have to work out what the root cause of that fear is and face it, I will not fight you Wendy and I will not continue this for the sake of your mental health.
Just see to it that you don't. See to it that you stop blogging about me and the past, see to it that the past is left where it belongs. I am slowly getting better from my fears and I am rebuilding what is left of my life in to something that will be tolerable and something that I can enjoy. Thank you for saying you will stop this, but please PLEASE don't go back on it this time
ReplyDeleteI have the answers I asked for, they are not the ones I hoped for but not all hopes can be fulfilled. Just keep in mind that if I give you a warning there is a valid reason for it in the future.
ReplyDeleteI do accept and understand your concern, but you know a I do that I don't invite people in to my life quickly. I'm sorry you didn't get the answer you wanted
ReplyDelete